1. Up up and away on my beautiful, my beautiful balloon full of drugs that I swallowed to get through US customs and make $100.

2. As advertised, I’ll officially be on vacation by day’s end. This will throw time & space into a vortex, & may cause the Earth constipation.

3. If you die while away on vacation, what’s the most embarassing possession that people cleaning out your house would find? Fess up sinners!

4. It’s not too embarrassing if someone finds a sex toy in your house, but rather if it’s an excessively large or life-size sex toy.

5. I wouldn’t mind a peek into the future. But if things sucked, I might be scared to look back at the present. I’ll stick with the mystery.

6. There’s a specific reason I don’t have more than one wife. I’m just not a big fan of that whole jealous-rage-murder-suicide thing.

7. I asked the Verizon guy if I’ll have 3G while I’m in Puerto Rico next week, and he snarkly replied “You’re on AT&T, motherfucker.”

8. Is it true that Verizon owns the face, voice, eternal soul, and all major resellable organs of the Verizon guy?

9. Somfucius say: man who talk too much shit may end up eating it.

10. Seeing as how I drink apricot flavored beer, I suppose I could give a taste test to blueberry flavored coffee. But it sounds disgusting.

11. Depending on cell service in PR, the SomBlock may be on vacation next week too. But I hope not, as I expect many good Gringo observations.

12. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by all the disgruntled work drones who are flipping me the bird as I fly away on vacation. See ya!

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Hello Twitter my old friend. I’ve come to tweet with you again. The sarcasm planted in my brain, still remains. Here’s the sounds of Somrod.

2. I’m considering dragging a Vornado fan on casters behind me to work. Of course, it’ll be powered by a gas-fueled generator. Also on casters.

3. I like to pretend I’m actually tweeting like I have 2600 followers, even if I only have 26 real people reading this. Start small, they say.

4. I’ve been informed that I’m as inventive as Wile E. Coyote. It’s smartass comments like this that really make me warm and fuzzy inside.

5. Of course, you should know that the green stuff growing on the half loaf of bread is also warm and fuzzy. Perspective, my friends. Dig it.

6. Somfucius say: man who commute into city for work may have nice house, but no time to spend in it.

7. If someone out there is hoping for me to have a meltdown sometime soon, too bad. It happened years ago. Suckers.

8. Just because I overthought my way out of a useful college degree, I do still have one. It’s the thing that separates me from the cockroachs.

9. Of course, when my degree fails to shield me from a nuclear onslaught, the cockroach pulls ahead. Stupid flesh, you’re costing me the win.

10. I do wonder if that childhood encouragement that I could be a successful artist one day was a bad thing. Curse you, educational role models!

11. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by Tiger Woods, because that guy has too much freaking money, and should randomly give it away. To me.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. In a tiny effort to be less wasteful & verbose, this AM’s SomBlock tweets will all be 45 chars or less. That is, starting with the next one.

2. Subway doors can leave bruises. Trust me.

3. Photo retouchers are the original cloners.

4. Note: that’s 45 chars without saying “OU812?”

5. There’s always a whiskey escape hatch.

6. With a beer chaser getaway car of course.

7. Oh brothers, you should try and imitate me.

8. Some transvestites on the Subway frighten me.

9. Men in ladies’ makeup are like evil clowns.

10. Do microtweets count as a SomBlock Galore?

11. No, you don’t “still got it”. Yes, it’s gone.

12. Life gets worse with each waistline increase.

13. My iPhone has black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

14. Moral of the story: learn how to self-edit.

15. Like the SomBlock with concepts? Let me know.

16. This AM’s SomBlock was sponsored by brevity!

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. If apathy is better to start off your morning than reluctance, then I say: in all honesty, I don’t really give a fuck. Mm-hmm, let it out.

2. We all have demons, but only the best of us are able to bring them out for a game of tag and not go over the edge.

3. It’s much cooler to stand in the train vestibule. Of course, in a crash situation, your ass is the first to die. Otherwise, VERY cool.

4. StationStops for iPhone: the best app to have when you need to catch the next train after you overslept at your mistress’s apartment.

5. After mentioning spammers with cute girl avatars yesterday, I got 50 new followers. All “cute girls”. I just have that animal magnetism, eh?

6. That’s the funny thing about Twitter: there’s so many levels of illusion that I may as well be Obi-Wan’s ghost telling you to go to a swamp.

7. My hour of Twitter is the 2nd of 4 daily methods of brain reanimation: vitamins, tweet, Red Bull, and f-ing huge pipe dreams of success.

8. Shakeofistia: the feeling you get after missing the Subway by seconds when you’re running late.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the girl that’s mine, all mine. But if anyone else calls her doggone, I will moonwalk on your face.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Happy Monday! I learned the hard way that the benefits of getting to bed before 1AM is voided if you wake up at 5AM.

2. I don’t know how women can use that eyelash curling pincher thing. I would totally pop my eyeball out of my skull by accident.

3. What exactly can Phil Collins feel coming in the air tonight? Hopefully not that godawful street cred killing theme to Tarzan: The Movie.

4. Is it strange that songs that I hate most were #1 hits? Am I a nonconformist? Well, if conforming is liking crap music, I’ll live with it.

5. In human history, I’m wondering how many times the words ‘filet’ and ‘fellate’ have been misheard for each other.

6. A cloud of humidity from outside has followed me into my train. You know it’s sad when the Subway has better A/C than Metro-North.

7. Dear Spammers, photos of cute girls as your avatar won’t get me to follow you. I will however glance at it before blocking your dumb ass.

8. This AM’s SomBlock is…*CRASH* Who told ya MFers you could use this iPhone? There’s a name outside that says Mark’s iPhone. I’m f-ing Mark.

9. There comes a time in all person’s lives when they must acknowledge that having a make-believe personality is more financially advantageous.

10. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the hand that feeds killer whales, because it sure as hell ain’t going to be my hand.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. It’s very humid this morning. My fingers are getting stuck to my iPhone while I’m typing. But the SomBlock doesn’t yield to weather. Yeah.

2. Counting down to an island vacation is sad and pathetic and… T-MINUS SIX (working) DAYS UNTIL PUERTO RICO!

3. Damn. On a clear day, you can see NYC from the top of the Trump Parc Stamford. I live a mile away and only see trees and the RBS Building.

4. Face the truth: Harry Potter probably gets more action than you do, because he can afford A-list escorts. You should look into wizardry.

5. The chick from Harry Potter movies is finally legal. It’s great when people earn the right to vote. What were you thinking I meant? Pervert.

6. In lighter news, I haven’t split the seams in any pants this year. This calls for a celebration! *does backflips* Ha, still didn’t tear ‘em!

7. Ever since I turned 23, my back perspires more than when I was younger. Am I becoming a camel? Will I be appearing on cigarette boxes?

8. It should be noted that even 40 lbs ago, I could never do backflips. I did however do a sensational forward tumble roll.

9. If a sad tomato pushes an elephant up the stairs but didn’t bark on command, is its’ death pretty final? Somewhere, an REM fan is laughing.

10. I probably shouldn’t make inside jokes on Fridays, but I didn’t copy it from someone else & tweet it as my own. There’s always a trade-off.

11. I’m a real team player & my enthusiasm inspires all to overachieve. Okay, I’m lying. I inspire people to drink. I guess that isn’t ALL bad.

12. I know I say I’m lying a lot, but at least I’m honest about it. There’s public dignity in that. I’d make a kick-ass celebrity spokesperson.

13. The way they animate the girl in the Wendy’s logo is totally creepy, it looks the poster of the girl from that new Orphan horror flick.

14. There are those who think marriage is a tired institution. Then there are those who think it just needs caffeine, costumes, and handcuffs.

15. This morning’s SomBlock Galore is sponsored by sarcasm with bacon and guacamole. Because let’s face it: a ménage a trois doesn’t get better.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Very strange, I woke up in a good mood this AM. So let me think about work for a few seconds. Okay. All back to normal cynicism.

2. Do those who are creative everyday have it tougher than those who perfectly work the same dull routine? I dunno, I’ll ask someone creative

3. Of course, everyone thinks they have it tough. Except the guy who gets to airbrush painted swimsuits onto naked supermodels, that is.

4. My new iPhone has started losing battery life as quick as my old one did. Being my daily companion is very draining. [insert wife joke here]

5. A teenage who bombed a Stabucks in NY was inspired by Fight Club. I don’t understand what they mean. Do you get it, Tyler? No? Okay. Fight?

6. I’m traveling at month’s end to Puerto Rico. I guess I better start cleaning off the ‘Gringo Tourist’ cloud that I have to drag behind me.

7. If I deliver the SomBlock in Spanish while I’m in Puerto Rico, will it allow me to blend in with the locals?

8. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by all of the good in the universe. Okay I’m lying, it’s sponsored by Acme Poison Dipped Battle Axes.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. I talked too much shit yesterday about McDonald’s. As I was leaving work, Grimace smacked me with a 2×4 and the Fry Guys stole my wallet.

2. I suspect that the Fry Guys also purchased 200 gallons of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and a merry-go-round with my credit card.

3. I have an incredible knack for going out the night before an AM dentist appointment. Nothing like getting drilled while you have a hangover.

4. I’ve listened to Radiohead’s “How to Disappear Completely” a hundred times, and still don’t have invisibility powers. I want my money back.

5. I don’t mind listening to Thriller again and its’ retro vibes, but I’ve got to get that damn photo of MJ in a white suit off of my iPhone.

6. Clues that your music collection doesn’t mesh well: when playing alphabetically, Pharaeoh Monch not so gently segues into Phil Collins.

7. Some mornings, you have the magic touch. Other mornings, you end up touching a train railing that feels slimy and not so magical.

8. Somewhere, a person just read my previous tweet & pulled out a bottle of Purel and rubbed vigorously. Viva la flammable fresh lemon scent!

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by novacaine, because I lub de wabe thab ebbiethin getz nub reelb quik.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. The McCafe ads are everywhere. Who knew McDonald’s had such a hard-on for attacking Starbucks? Did punching Burger King get boring for them?

2. I love the taste of coffee but adding McDonald’s brand Crack McCocaine to it is just disgusting.

3. The beauty of owning your own griddle or grill is that you can get fat on your own burgers instead of a fast food chain. Take that, suckers!

4. There’s a subway ad for a “center for minimally invasive gynecology”. Such ads make me relieved that my goods don’t require annual invasion.

5. The quality of IKEA products gets worse with each buying cycle. The Swedish meatballs are the same though. Priorities are important, folks.

6. Twitical Mass: when you’ve tweeted so much, you start repeating from 6 months ago. Note: this can be cured by becoming crazier.

7. I’m sure I’ve repeated a few tweets without realizing it. Cynicism is redundant. I’m sure I’ve repeated a few tweets without realizing it.

8. I’d make a terrible Supreme Court judge, because I’d base too many decisions on what the Magic 8-Ball advises. You don’t question the M8B.

9. Justice doesn’t occur half of the time anyway, so who am I to mess with the odds?

10. I don’t care if I could birth koi fish via laserbeams from my eyes, I’d never get a tattoo of one. You may as well get a rose & mom’s name.

11. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by McSomBlock, because 8 of 9 people prefer the chemically re-engineered taste over the usual SomBlock.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Happy Monday! I feel like I could take on the whole Empire by myself. Okay, I’m lying. I feel like I’m slowly digesting in a Sarlacc belly.

2. You know you’re off to a good start when your Norelco dies in mid-shave. Now I look like Don Johnson circa 86. Is that an improvement on me?

3. I’ve heard that having a scruffy summer beard increases the heat on your face by 15%. It also lowers your chance of getting a date by 30%.

4. It turns out that the tiny blue cleansing beads in Bath & Body Works hand soap are actually hard-boiled Smurf eggs.

5. Do your childhood cartoons really follow you for life? Will I really have the chance to fire the Wave Motion Gun when life hits rockbottom?

6. Mo’ realized gain and tax-free interest, mo’ problems.

7. I’ve heard Obama has already aged 5 years since he’s been in office. Just For Men and Oil of Olay, time to work your magic. Pimp our leader.

8. On the bright side, Obama seems to have aged much less than the kids, errr… young adults from the Harry Potter movies.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the unbearable reality of being an orchid in the desert, grasping at life. What? That’s poetry, man.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. First random song of the AM: “Miserlou”, the opening song to Pulp Fiction. I guess that means I should go rob a diner now?

2. Someone on my train is eating bacon. This type of inconsiderate behavior should be outlawed and… PLEASE PLEASE share some of your bacon!!

3. Of course, too much giving in to bacon will lead you to the fat side of the Force.

4. In lighter news, the man across the aisle is wearing a really ugly tie, mostly bald, and makes me look skinny. Ah, that made me feel better.

5. My sister @bethcardwell is retiring from her day job of 14 yrs today to do her photography FT. I’m so proud that I couldn’t be more jealous.

6. It’s refreshing when you see someone chase their dreams. Of course, most times, they have to be a little cuckoo. But very refreshing to see.

7. Somewhere along the line, all of us will have to choose between what we want to do and what we have to do. There’s no way around this.

8. I personally want to drink beer, eat bacon, and make psychedelic art. But I suppose I have to do something more constructive. Sigh.

9. I could lie & tell you that you’ll be maximizing your weekend, but the universe knows better and you’ll be back to the grind soon enough.

10. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the last Red Bull in the fridge, because like Rambo said to the Big Bad Wolf, “Your ass is mine!”

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. When your wife asks for your opinion on her AM clothes, start with optimism. When that fails, switch to honesty. When that fails, run!

2. The iPod “Shake to Shuffle” feature was fun for about an hour, but has grown into an unappreciative brat and has been subsequently grounded.

3. However, The new iPhone “Wipe On Shirt” feature has been most spectacular and works better than Windex or power washing.

4. Chances of me getting tickets to Nine Inch Nails’ bonus NYC shows: 1 in 100. Chance of NIN never performing live again if I don’t: 9 in 10.

5. I try not to question my daily cache of bad luck. I prefer to hogtie it & make it watch Lifetime movies. That’ll teach it to not interfere.

6. Don’t tell me it’s 100% fact if you’re serving me nuggets of reprocessed fact-meat smothered in opinion gravy.

7. I run into reprocessed people every day. They used to have a personality but have been reprocessed by their job and their responsibilities.

8. For many questions in life, there is no right answer. There is only wrong, a distracting sales pitch made of bullshit, & none of the above.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by my newfound thirtysomething nasal allergies, because getting older sucks. The Who was sooooo right.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. You know you’re going to have a weird morning when you wake up and your iPhone is advising you to wear your spacesuit and bring a bullwhip.

2. I don’t suppose anyone has an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator I can borrow? I need to get rid of Thursday and Friday.

3. For some odd reason, when I see SyFy (the Sci-Fi’s new branding), I add a T in there and hear Beavis and Butthead saying “I got a stiffy!”.

4. Rebranding can be really tough. I tried it once, but nobody bought that I was actually an Austrian basketball hero, despite my great accent.

5. Hmm, the babbling madman sensor on my iPhone has been malfunctioning all this time. Uh oh what’d you hear me say? I swear none of it’s true.

6. Dear Death, I forbid you from taking any of these famous people: Thom Yorke, Trent Reznor, Jeff Tweedy, Dan Auerbach, & Boba Fett. Thanks!

7. Most people are afraid of Death. I find it’s better to talk to him, offer a nice microbrew, ask about his day, maybe shoot some hoops.

8. Legend has it that petite and attractive Latin women who can also cook your pants off are definite keepers.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the sound of my voice, as it’s rather husky from allergies and I charmed my iPhone’s voice controls.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. When things get bad in life, just remember— you could be the Mets. Of course, they are getting paid much better.

2. I’m not sure what your point is, but I hope you understand if I turn on my corporate voice and yes-certainly-yes you out the door.

3. Rebuttal to child-bearers: why would you want a thing that defecates & vomits on you, keeps you up at night and eventually costs $1 million?

4. You might think that I have an extremely low tolerance for children saying sickening sweet things, and you’d be absolutely right about that.

5. Obama speech to Russian students: “Our countries should be getting along like Belushi and Schwarzenegger in Red Heat.”

6. If you give a half torn $100 bill water, sunshine, and a bug-free home, it will eventually grow back its other half.

7. It’s very inspiring when my physical health works really hard to get as corrupted as my mental health is. Hard work goes a long way, kids.

8. I’m considering a Surgeon General’s Warning for Extreme Sarcasm on some tweets. Our Twitter overlords need to allow more characters though.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the Church of Latter Day SomBlocks, because that’s about as close as I’ll come to being a saint.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Happy Monday! I actually have nothing negative to say. Okay, I’m lying. Death, dismemberment, stock crash, and toejam. Better?

2. You know you may not have spent the 3-day weekend wisely when you have to go back and summarize exactly what you did with your time.

3. I could really use a Free Willy moment. Maybe a killer whale will jump out of my Red Bull this AM & inspire the salvation of my art career.

4. I often wonder if there was no such thing as beer, whether or not I’d have had about 2000 more productive evenings over the past 10 years.

5. Sorry Dos Equis, the most interesting beer drinking man in my house is me. I am also the only man in my house. But I drink much better beer

6. If I ever run into the dancing fake old man from Six Flags, I will appropriately pummel him to the ground and steal his keychain viewfinder.

7. I find that I despise most TV commercials I see nowadays. Does this mean I’ve become too cynical to be included in the target demographic?

8. Reality Check for Dummies: Lots of people die every day. It’s only when a whole handful of celebrities die that most people take notice.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by my gas grill, because it owes me big time after the 10 lbs of burgers it made me eat this weekend.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. I could tell you that everything will be alright. I could also tell you that slapping yourself with frozen steaks helps your wife’s libido.

2. Inversely, slapping grazing cows will NOT result in you getting a mistress for the weekend.

3. Why do people always wait for holidays to be excessive with food, drink and parties? If it helps de-stress you, have a holiday once a week.

4. I burned the roof of my mouth last night biting into a hot dog fresh from the grill. The stinging of key lime pie afterwards informed me so.

5. Best outfit ever: A Thursday dressed in Friday’s clothing.

6. You can’t hit a home run everyday. Some days you foul the ball off of your foot. But that’s better than running into the centerfield wall.

7. How in the hell did I not buy Portishead 3 last year? This album is almost as dark and twisted as a pseudo-devil tweeting about it. Almost.

8. I’ve been working for 11 yrs. Only 18 months of that was my commute less than an hour. I know, I could’ve been a work-at-home telemarketer.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the 3-day weekend, because it can always redeem an unproductive work week. And dammit, it shall!

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

1. Welcome my son. Welcome to… the machineeee!! Now that you’re here, do you know how to get this thing networked to my other machines?

2. Those Metro North delay emails are awfully nice to get in the AM. Of course, I have no other way to get into the city, but it’s nice anyway.

3. The first rule of SomBlock is that you do not tweet about SomBlock. Oh shit, I guess I’ve already fucked that up. Let me try that again.

4. REVISED: The first rule of SomBlock is that you tell everyone you know about it. Stamping it on people’s foreheads is perfectly acceptable.

5. The second rule of SomBlock is that anything is fair game, so rules are kind of unnecessary. Damn, I did it again. Nevermind.

6. A man left his iPod on while in his chest pocket. The light strangely resembles E.T’s heartlight. Then a HAZMAT team came and took him away.

7. I now call Wilco’s “I’ll Fight” the Cameron Song. In Ferris Bueller, remember Cameron’s in the car & he’s like “I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go.”

8. I once asked a doctor if Viagra would enhance my art career. He said maybe, but only if I was having a affair with a rich art gallery owner.

9. Should I ever get into a fist fight again, I hope Nine Inch Nails’ “Wish” starts playing in the background. Or that my opponent is a wimp.

10. Things I’d get in a fist fight over: to defend my wife, to protect my house, to earn money, and to win the All Valley Karate Tournament.

11. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by Wilco (The Song), because the love is always reciprocal baby. On my 3rd listen already, good stuff.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.