If you have taken the effort to be here in the first place…

If you have dreamed about it for years upon years…

If you are haunted by every day that you linger in mediocrity…

If your finger is on the button… then press it.

What are you waiting for?

Some weeks start like a car with a fuel leak. Moments defined as tired. Unmotivated. Frustrated. You want to milk the ‘Oh, it’s just Monday’ cliché, but when the shit carries into Tuesday, then you know it’s more than that.

When I was a younger man (read: 18-22), I’d complain quite often of the things that plagued me on a daily basis. Eventually, I came to the mind that I either start working on fixes and escapes to my problems, or I should shut the fuck up.

For example, I dislike my current job’s inability for promotion, because I am the only artist in my division. Everyone above me is either management or executives, a leap that I won’t be making anytime this century. After six years of working here, this is an issue I can no longer accept. So I knew that an escape was due. After I got married in November, I set a goal for myself to have a new job by January 31.

Since I’m talking about this in mid-March, things obviously did not work out as planned. Despite sending out hundreds of cover letters, resumes and calling job agencies, my next career path has not materialized.

Nothing is more frustrating than knowing you cannot stand your job anymore, so you actively try to get out but fail to. I reworked my resume, created a whole new portfolio, and still nothing. It can drive a person crazy, as I’m sure it has for many. It leaves people to seek relief from either Ben & Jerry or Jimmy Beam—whatever poison they prefer.

But I refuse to give up on this. I must make my hope indestructible, or pretty damn close… that no matter how much adversary keeps emerging, it will not falter, that if a nuclear bomb of despair explodes, it will not die.

That was when the metaphor hit me. I came to realize that my hope must be a cockroach. Yes, you read that correctly. You see, if you didn’t already know, the cockroach is one of the toughest creatures in the world. It can:

• Live for a month without food
• Remain alive for up to a week without a head
• Hold its breath for 45 minutes
• And of course, cockroaches can tolerate up to 67,500 rems of radiation before dying, which is equivalent to that of a thermonuclear explosion. For comparison’s sake, a lethal dose for a human is around 800 rems.

The greater truth to my metaphor is that our hope in reality is an ugly thing. It builds us up on momentary highs, only to let us down again and again. Many people have rid themselves of hope, because the yo-yo process it presents has become too much to bear. This is not the way to go. Being comfortably numb should not be an option.

Thus, I will continue to hope for a better life, even if it never comes, even if it kills me. Do what you have to do to survive. Otherwise, what are you living for? Peace… and good luck.

2005 was my first year as a web entrepeneur (Yes, that’s what those folder tabs up above represent, so feel free to click them ). Thus, it also marked the first time I’d have to represent such on my tax return. Most years, my taxes are finished in 10 minutes, but this year began as something altogether new and scary.

You see, I did some reading and learned that outside of the people who do bad math on their return, a great percentage of IRS tax audits fall down on independent artists, musicians and entertainers. As a result, I did the fearful ‘gulp’ noise after Tom stuffs Jerry in the top of a shaken seltzer water bottle.

Then I took a good look at my situation. I saved all of my 2005 receipts, either physicially or in e-mails. I had all of my needed W-2’s and 1099’s. Additionally, I learned that as a self-proprietor, I didn’t have to itemize; I just had to fill in all of my business expenses in a form called a Schedule C. As long as I didn’t count any expenses that I don’t have receipts for, I had nothing to worry about.

So, using the TurboTax program and guides, it was actually quite simple in the end (minus a few questions I simply had never encountered before). Sure, I had to do a little math on my end, but the big worry of being a targeted artist was quite silly. If the IRS comes knocking, I have my paperwork ready to be x-rayed.

I think it just boiled down to the fact that I knew I was due a healthy refund from the government. Part of it is my own devise though. Every year, I get an extra fee taken out of my paycheck. One year, a tax preparer told me, “You know, you don’t have to have this taken out of your paycheck every month.” But I knew the bigger picture. You see, if I get an extra $40 a paycheck, I’m likely to spend that on the monthly bills. However, if I get an extra $960 dollars back at tax time, I deposit it into my money market account to help me buy a home one day.

The other reason I had a high refund, and I’m not afraid to admit it, was because my business has yet to make up the intial investment of getting off the ground. While I’m not happy about this, I’d be a fool not to take advantage of the tax benefits if that’s how the government wants to run the show. But I’m not here to get pity cash for 3 years (until these endeavors are legally declared ‘hobbies’). I want to make something of my creativity, and not sit in a cubicle until I’m grey-haired and wrinkly.

Therefore, I’m making it a goal to break even in 2006, and turn a profit for 2007. I owe my art and my life that much. If that means I have to pay Uncle Sam back in 2008, then so be it. Nothing matters more than living the dream. Peace.

Don’t be fooled by the title. Today doesn’t actually have anything to do with sticks of minty chewing gum, or the straight man’s universal fantasy of a menage a trois with twins. No, today actually turned out to be an anniversary for two things in terms of my literary history.

First up, even though I kept an online journal from late 1999-2001 on one of my old sites, my first “blog” was today one year ago. Read it here. I find this amusing now, because I certainly never expected to still be blogging after a year. But even if you don’t have a definitive purpose for your blog, it’s good exercise for the writing mind and typing fingers, so I’ve stuck with it.

Then, not to take away anything from my little blogoverse, but the more important thing that happened today was I finished the first draft of my novel The Art of Getting Bent on 3/03/03. It seems like eons ago and I remember the elation I had that night, that sense of accomplishment. If only I knew of the atomic minefield of agents, editors, publishers and distributors that awaited me after that. But I’m still proud of reaching that day, even if things didn’t stick to the dream. Or anywhere close. But that’s cool. You have to get toughened up by experience somehow.

So now, for the sake of numerology, or really just because it makes for interesting life retrospectives, I’m planning to complete my 2nd novel (which I’m working on currently) by June 6, 2006. No, it has nothing to do with my religious preferences or lack thereof. Just a cool number for an anniversary… provided I keep to my word count! We’ll see.