SomBlock In Reverse: 8/4/09

1. Bad paintings you did long ago can never haunt you if you just prime and paint over them. A blowtorch and a pair of pliers work well too.

2. So that’s how they get the marshmellow creme into the Twinkie cake. That’s sick. Just sick.

3. It’s always scary when the strange guy on the Subway playing air guitar and drums seems to be doing so in cadence with the song on MY iPod.

4. I’ve never been a sympathetic character. In fact, compassion is rarely written into my storyline. I should really gift my episode writers.

5. So how about some Somrod poetic prose? This is about your writer self criticizing your Twitter self: http://www.somrod.com/blog/…

6. Someone reminded me that I hadn’t written anything longer than a tweet in a while, so I made sure I could still vent in more than 140 chars.

7. And now a brief moment of inspiration… Even if you’re doing the best work you’ve ever done, always keep trying to make yourself better.

8. That last one was for all those who think I’m just a big ball of negative energy. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to meet my boot heel.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by New Yorkers happily sharing their body sweat patterns with each other in the streets on a hot day.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 8/3/09

1. Happy Monday! Shall I visit my work inbox yet to see all that accumulated while I was away? I say: Give it an hour? Survey says: #1 answer!

2. So my beer powered time machine was a failure last week. It may have helped if any machinery was used. Lots of fuel was burned however.

3. Success is napping in the attic. I’m outside holding a boombox over my head hoping it will say anything. Peter Gabriel helps save us all.

4. Would Lloyd Dobler’s boombox had better effect if he played Shock The Monkey instead of In Your Eyes? She may have stood & said WTF is that?

5. You know you’re headed back to work after a vacation when last week’s sunburn is peeling, and the work drone ivory shows itself underneath.

6. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it determine your need for a decent flashlight. One of those LED lanterns could work too.

7. Despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat who’s whistling and steering a steamboat down a grayscale riverscape toward history. In a cage.

8. Hey Manhattan, you miss me? What? You sucked the souls of 6 million other work drones while I was gone? *Scoff* You could’ve lied at least.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by pants, because I hadn’t worn them in 9 days. (That means I was wearing shorts, detail people. Geez.)

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/31/09

1. Jet lag is even better when you tack on a hour of early AM driving home. My brain feels like the iceberg a million penguins marched on.

2. For those secretly hoping that I’d get burned at the beach, congrats you win. For those hoping the burn was in a cloud pattern, you win too.

3. I lost more followers while I was away. Geez, you’d think they would cut a poor starving artist a break while he was on a tropical vacation.

4. Tweet #1500 finds me again wondering why people who just copy other people’s links get more followers than those who have original thoughts.

5. I’m hoping to somehow drop a Mentos into the pool of Diet Coke that is my brain right now.

6. Returning from vacation to an empty fridge is somehow perfectly on par with the rest of the returning from vacation feelings.

7. Lesson learned this week is ALWAYS make reservations for tourist spots at your vacation destination weeks ahead of time if possible.

8. Now I descend underground to work on projects I’d have been working on if I hadn’t gone away. Yes, it’s the eaten cake I still want to have.

9. This AM’s SomBlock is sponsored by the blue aloe spray with lidocaine, because it’s like a drug & I know drugs are bad, but it’s soooo good.

*** Everyday from 8-9am while on vacation (hehe, how often can we say that?), Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse & On Vacation: 7/27/09-7/30/09

7/27/09

1. Our gate at JFK JetBlue has a bar in the waiting area. They must have gotten my request. Vacation on.

2. When your plane lands in Puerto Rico at 5:30am and you’re working on 30 mins of sleep, you’re in for a long day. http://twitpic.com/bthak

3. So it appears my mind is on a 2 hour delay in time, and about an 8 hour delay in mental capacity. Bear with me.

4. Honestly, last night on my flight to Ponce, I was the only Gringo on board. If this
had been a cannibal film, I’d have been eaten first.

5. When my ears closed up upon landing, I remembered how much I hate flying. I would
have complained but I couldn’t hear if we landed yet.

6. For me, having to take a plane to a tropical island is like getting smacked in the face
with a waffle iron before you can make love.

7. This way to the Captain Solo Carbonite Museum: http://twitpic.com/btjkg

8. I saw He’s Just Not That Into You on the plane last night. It helped put my view on
relationships in perspective. Ok, I’m lying. It sucked.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by sleep deprivation, because terrabytes of bacon
flavored sky makes perfect sense right now.

7/28/09

1. Day 2 in Puerto Rico begins again on a 2 hour delay. Vacation tastes great, much like
the Churrasco with Chimmichurri sauce last night. Yum.

2. This morning’s SomBlock has not been translated en Espanol because el Gringo no habla Espanol. So it goes.

3. My life in the past 24 hours would have been about 200 times easier if I had only paid better attention in High School Spanish.

4. It was so hot outside yesterday that my hands began to swell. It was so disappointing
to learn I was not changing into the Hulk though.

5. Ah, just had a steak quesidilla and coconut donuts for breakfast. Obviously my rule for this trip is nothing healthy allowed.

6. This is the trophy that @Ms_SRod ‘s granddad won for 1 of his roosters in the 80′s: http://yfrog.com/5adlvj

7. Issues posting any photos this AM. Thought it was 3G, but it turns out it was Twitpic. I should’ve known PR would prefer YFrog.

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/24/09

1. Up up and away on my beautiful, my beautiful balloon full of drugs that I swallowed to get through US customs and make $100.

2. As advertised, I’ll officially be on vacation by day’s end. This will throw time & space into a vortex, & may cause the Earth constipation.

3. If you die while away on vacation, what’s the most embarassing possession that people cleaning out your house would find? Fess up sinners!

4. It’s not too embarrassing if someone finds a sex toy in your house, but rather if it’s an excessively large or life-size sex toy.

5. I wouldn’t mind a peek into the future. But if things sucked, I might be scared to look back at the present. I’ll stick with the mystery.

6. There’s a specific reason I don’t have more than one wife. I’m just not a big fan of that whole jealous-rage-murder-suicide thing.

7. I asked the Verizon guy if I’ll have 3G while I’m in Puerto Rico next week, and he snarkly replied “You’re on AT&T, motherfucker.”

8. Is it true that Verizon owns the face, voice, eternal soul, and all major resellable organs of the Verizon guy?

9. Somfucius say: man who talk too much shit may end up eating it.

10. Seeing as how I drink apricot flavored beer, I suppose I could give a taste test to blueberry flavored coffee. But it sounds disgusting.

11. Depending on cell service in PR, the SomBlock may be on vacation next week too. But I hope not, as I expect many good Gringo observations.

12. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by all the disgruntled work drones who are flipping me the bird as I fly away on vacation. See ya!

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/23/09

1. Hello Twitter my old friend. I’ve come to tweet with you again. The sarcasm planted in my brain, still remains. Here’s the sounds of Somrod.

2. I’m considering dragging a Vornado fan on casters behind me to work. Of course, it’ll be powered by a gas-fueled generator. Also on casters.

3. I like to pretend I’m actually tweeting like I have 2600 followers, even if I only have 26 real people reading this. Start small, they say.

4. I’ve been informed that I’m as inventive as Wile E. Coyote. It’s smartass comments like this that really make me warm and fuzzy inside.

5. Of course, you should know that the green stuff growing on the half loaf of bread is also warm and fuzzy. Perspective, my friends. Dig it.

6. Somfucius say: man who commute into city for work may have nice house, but no time to spend in it.

7. If someone out there is hoping for me to have a meltdown sometime soon, too bad. It happened years ago. Suckers.

8. Just because I overthought my way out of a useful college degree, I do still have one. It’s the thing that separates me from the cockroachs.

9. Of course, when my degree fails to shield me from a nuclear onslaught, the cockroach pulls ahead. Stupid flesh, you’re costing me the win.

10. I do wonder if that childhood encouragement that I could be a successful artist one day was a bad thing. Curse you, educational role models!

11. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by Tiger Woods, because that guy has too much freaking money, and should randomly give it away. To me.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/22/09

1. In a tiny effort to be less wasteful & verbose, this AM’s SomBlock tweets will all be 45 chars or less. That is, starting with the next one.

2. Subway doors can leave bruises. Trust me.

3. Photo retouchers are the original cloners.

4. Note: that’s 45 chars without saying “OU812?”

5. There’s always a whiskey escape hatch.

6. With a beer chaser getaway car of course.

7. Oh brothers, you should try and imitate me.

8. Some transvestites on the Subway frighten me.

9. Men in ladies’ makeup are like evil clowns.

10. Do microtweets count as a SomBlock Galore?

11. No, you don’t “still got it”. Yes, it’s gone.

12. Life gets worse with each waistline increase.

13. My iPhone has black eyes, like a doll’s eyes.

14. Moral of the story: learn how to self-edit.

15. Like the SomBlock with concepts? Let me know.

16. This AM’s SomBlock was sponsored by brevity!

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/21/09

1. If apathy is better to start off your morning than reluctance, then I say: in all honesty, I don’t really give a fuck. Mm-hmm, let it out.

2. We all have demons, but only the best of us are able to bring them out for a game of tag and not go over the edge.

3. It’s much cooler to stand in the train vestibule. Of course, in a crash situation, your ass is the first to die. Otherwise, VERY cool.

4. StationStops for iPhone: the best app to have when you need to catch the next train after you overslept at your mistress’s apartment.

5. After mentioning spammers with cute girl avatars yesterday, I got 50 new followers. All “cute girls”. I just have that animal magnetism, eh?

6. That’s the funny thing about Twitter: there’s so many levels of illusion that I may as well be Obi-Wan’s ghost telling you to go to a swamp.

7. My hour of Twitter is the 2nd of 4 daily methods of brain reanimation: vitamins, tweet, Red Bull, and f-ing huge pipe dreams of success.

8. Shakeofistia: the feeling you get after missing the Subway by seconds when you’re running late.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the girl that’s mine, all mine. But if anyone else calls her doggone, I will moonwalk on your face.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/20/09

1. Happy Monday! I learned the hard way that the benefits of getting to bed before 1AM is voided if you wake up at 5AM.

2. I don’t know how women can use that eyelash curling pincher thing. I would totally pop my eyeball out of my skull by accident.

3. What exactly can Phil Collins feel coming in the air tonight? Hopefully not that godawful street cred killing theme to Tarzan: The Movie.

4. Is it strange that songs that I hate most were #1 hits? Am I a nonconformist? Well, if conforming is liking crap music, I’ll live with it.

5. In human history, I’m wondering how many times the words ‘filet’ and ‘fellate’ have been misheard for each other.

6. A cloud of humidity from outside has followed me into my train. You know it’s sad when the Subway has better A/C than Metro-North.

7. Dear Spammers, photos of cute girls as your avatar won’t get me to follow you. I will however glance at it before blocking your dumb ass.

8. This AM’s SomBlock is…*CRASH* Who told ya MFers you could use this iPhone? There’s a name outside that says Mark’s iPhone. I’m f-ing Mark.

9. There comes a time in all person’s lives when they must acknowledge that having a make-believe personality is more financially advantageous.

10. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the hand that feeds killer whales, because it sure as hell ain’t going to be my hand.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/17/09

1. It’s very humid this morning. My fingers are getting stuck to my iPhone while I’m typing. But the SomBlock doesn’t yield to weather. Yeah.

2. Counting down to an island vacation is sad and pathetic and… T-MINUS SIX (working) DAYS UNTIL PUERTO RICO!

3. Damn. On a clear day, you can see NYC from the top of the Trump Parc Stamford. I live a mile away and only see trees and the RBS Building.

4. Face the truth: Harry Potter probably gets more action than you do, because he can afford A-list escorts. You should look into wizardry.

5. The chick from Harry Potter movies is finally legal. It’s great when people earn the right to vote. What were you thinking I meant? Pervert.

6. In lighter news, I haven’t split the seams in any pants this year. This calls for a celebration! *does backflips* Ha, still didn’t tear ‘em!

7. Ever since I turned 23, my back perspires more than when I was younger. Am I becoming a camel? Will I be appearing on cigarette boxes?

8. It should be noted that even 40 lbs ago, I could never do backflips. I did however do a sensational forward tumble roll.

9. If a sad tomato pushes an elephant up the stairs but didn’t bark on command, is its’ death pretty final? Somewhere, an REM fan is laughing.

10. I probably shouldn’t make inside jokes on Fridays, but I didn’t copy it from someone else & tweet it as my own. There’s always a trade-off.

11. I’m a real team player & my enthusiasm inspires all to overachieve. Okay, I’m lying. I inspire people to drink. I guess that isn’t ALL bad.

12. I know I say I’m lying a lot, but at least I’m honest about it. There’s public dignity in that. I’d make a kick-ass celebrity spokesperson.

13. The way they animate the girl in the Wendy’s logo is totally creepy, it looks the poster of the girl from that new Orphan horror flick.

14. There are those who think marriage is a tired institution. Then there are those who think it just needs caffeine, costumes, and handcuffs.

15. This morning’s SomBlock Galore is sponsored by sarcasm with bacon and guacamole. Because let’s face it: a ménage a trois doesn’t get better.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/16/09

1. Very strange, I woke up in a good mood this AM. So let me think about work for a few seconds. Okay. All back to normal cynicism.

2. Do those who are creative everyday have it tougher than those who perfectly work the same dull routine? I dunno, I’ll ask someone creative

3. Of course, everyone thinks they have it tough. Except the guy who gets to airbrush painted swimsuits onto naked supermodels, that is.

4. My new iPhone has started losing battery life as quick as my old one did. Being my daily companion is very draining. [insert wife joke here]

5. A teenage who bombed a Stabucks in NY was inspired by Fight Club. I don’t understand what they mean. Do you get it, Tyler? No? Okay. Fight?

6. I’m traveling at month’s end to Puerto Rico. I guess I better start cleaning off the ‘Gringo Tourist’ cloud that I have to drag behind me.

7. If I deliver the SomBlock in Spanish while I’m in Puerto Rico, will it allow me to blend in with the locals?

8. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by all of the good in the universe. Okay I’m lying, it’s sponsored by Acme Poison Dipped Battle Axes.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/15/09

1. I talked too much shit yesterday about McDonald’s. As I was leaving work, Grimace smacked me with a 2×4 and the Fry Guys stole my wallet.

2. I suspect that the Fry Guys also purchased 200 gallons of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and a merry-go-round with my credit card.

3. I have an incredible knack for going out the night before an AM dentist appointment. Nothing like getting drilled while you have a hangover.

4. I’ve listened to Radiohead’s “How to Disappear Completely” a hundred times, and still don’t have invisibility powers. I want my money back.

5. I don’t mind listening to Thriller again and its’ retro vibes, but I’ve got to get that damn photo of MJ in a white suit off of my iPhone.

6. Clues that your music collection doesn’t mesh well: when playing alphabetically, Pharaeoh Monch not so gently segues into Phil Collins.

7. Some mornings, you have the magic touch. Other mornings, you end up touching a train railing that feels slimy and not so magical.

8. Somewhere, a person just read my previous tweet & pulled out a bottle of Purel and rubbed vigorously. Viva la flammable fresh lemon scent!

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by novacaine, because I lub de wabe thab ebbiethin getz nub reelb quik.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/14/09

1. The McCafe ads are everywhere. Who knew McDonald’s had such a hard-on for attacking Starbucks? Did punching Burger King get boring for them?

2. I love the taste of coffee but adding McDonald’s brand Crack McCocaine to it is just disgusting.

3. The beauty of owning your own griddle or grill is that you can get fat on your own burgers instead of a fast food chain. Take that, suckers!

4. There’s a subway ad for a “center for minimally invasive gynecology”. Such ads make me relieved that my goods don’t require annual invasion.

5. The quality of IKEA products gets worse with each buying cycle. The Swedish meatballs are the same though. Priorities are important, folks.

6. Twitical Mass: when you’ve tweeted so much, you start repeating from 6 months ago. Note: this can be cured by becoming crazier.

7. I’m sure I’ve repeated a few tweets without realizing it. Cynicism is redundant. I’m sure I’ve repeated a few tweets without realizing it.

8. I’d make a terrible Supreme Court judge, because I’d base too many decisions on what the Magic 8-Ball advises. You don’t question the M8B.

9. Justice doesn’t occur half of the time anyway, so who am I to mess with the odds?

10. I don’t care if I could birth koi fish via laserbeams from my eyes, I’d never get a tattoo of one. You may as well get a rose & mom’s name.

11. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by McSomBlock, because 8 of 9 people prefer the chemically re-engineered taste over the usual SomBlock.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/13/09

1. Happy Monday! I feel like I could take on the whole Empire by myself. Okay, I’m lying. I feel like I’m slowly digesting in a Sarlacc belly.

2. You know you’re off to a good start when your Norelco dies in mid-shave. Now I look like Don Johnson circa 86. Is that an improvement on me?

3. I’ve heard that having a scruffy summer beard increases the heat on your face by 15%. It also lowers your chance of getting a date by 30%.

4. It turns out that the tiny blue cleansing beads in Bath & Body Works hand soap are actually hard-boiled Smurf eggs.

5. Do your childhood cartoons really follow you for life? Will I really have the chance to fire the Wave Motion Gun when life hits rockbottom?

6. Mo’ realized gain and tax-free interest, mo’ problems.

7. I’ve heard Obama has already aged 5 years since he’s been in office. Just For Men and Oil of Olay, time to work your magic. Pimp our leader.

8. On the bright side, Obama seems to have aged much less than the kids, errr… young adults from the Harry Potter movies.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the unbearable reality of being an orchid in the desert, grasping at life. What? That’s poetry, man.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/9/09

1. When your wife asks for your opinion on her AM clothes, start with optimism. When that fails, switch to honesty. When that fails, run!

2. The iPod “Shake to Shuffle” feature was fun for about an hour, but has grown into an unappreciative brat and has been subsequently grounded.

3. However, The new iPhone “Wipe On Shirt” feature has been most spectacular and works better than Windex or power washing.

4. Chances of me getting tickets to Nine Inch Nails’ bonus NYC shows: 1 in 100. Chance of NIN never performing live again if I don’t: 9 in 10.

5. I try not to question my daily cache of bad luck. I prefer to hogtie it & make it watch Lifetime movies. That’ll teach it to not interfere.

6. Don’t tell me it’s 100% fact if you’re serving me nuggets of reprocessed fact-meat smothered in opinion gravy.

7. I run into reprocessed people every day. They used to have a personality but have been reprocessed by their job and their responsibilities.

8. For many questions in life, there is no right answer. There is only wrong, a distracting sales pitch made of bullshit, & none of the above.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by my newfound thirtysomething nasal allergies, because getting older sucks. The Who was sooooo right.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/8/09

1. You know you’re going to have a weird morning when you wake up and your iPhone is advising you to wear your spacesuit and bring a bullwhip.

2. I don’t suppose anyone has an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator I can borrow? I need to get rid of Thursday and Friday.

3. For some odd reason, when I see SyFy (the Sci-Fi’s new branding), I add a T in there and hear Beavis and Butthead saying “I got a stiffy!”.

4. Rebranding can be really tough. I tried it once, but nobody bought that I was actually an Austrian basketball hero, despite my great accent.

5. Hmm, the babbling madman sensor on my iPhone has been malfunctioning all this time. Uh oh what’d you hear me say? I swear none of it’s true.

6. Dear Death, I forbid you from taking any of these famous people: Thom Yorke, Trent Reznor, Jeff Tweedy, Dan Auerbach, & Boba Fett. Thanks!

7. Most people are afraid of Death. I find it’s better to talk to him, offer a nice microbrew, ask about his day, maybe shoot some hoops.

8. Legend has it that petite and attractive Latin women who can also cook your pants off are definite keepers.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the sound of my voice, as it’s rather husky from allergies and I charmed my iPhone’s voice controls.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***

SomBlock In Reverse: 7/7/09

1. When things get bad in life, just remember— you could be the Mets. Of course, they are getting paid much better.

2. I’m not sure what your point is, but I hope you understand if I turn on my corporate voice and yes-certainly-yes you out the door.

3. Rebuttal to child-bearers: why would you want a thing that defecates & vomits on you, keeps you up at night and eventually costs $1 million?

4. You might think that I have an extremely low tolerance for children saying sickening sweet things, and you’d be absolutely right about that.

5. Obama speech to Russian students: “Our countries should be getting along like Belushi and Schwarzenegger in Red Heat.”

6. If you give a half torn $100 bill water, sunshine, and a bug-free home, it will eventually grow back its other half.

7. It’s very inspiring when my physical health works really hard to get as corrupted as my mental health is. Hard work goes a long way, kids.

8. I’m considering a Surgeon General’s Warning for Extreme Sarcasm on some tweets. Our Twitter overlords need to allow more characters though.

9. This morning’s SomBlock is sponsored by the Church of Latter Day SomBlocks, because that’s about as close as I’ll come to being a saint.

*** Every weekday from 8-9am while traveling from Stamford to Manhattan, Mark Sahm writes a block of thoughts on his Twitter account (@Somrod) via his iPhone.***